Five years ago, I never would have imagined I would have the life I have today. I have a house full of happy hearts, full tummies, giggles, a little insanity...

I can only imagine and look forward to what God has in store for me next. Can't wait to discover it one day at a time!

Nothing says home like spaghetti.

I had to work this morning, but this afternoon was spent with two loved and beautiful children. They brushed my hair, colored larger than life pictures of superman, collected rocks, and waded in the pool. They told me stories and erupted with giggles; asked questions; requested snuggles.

Words of affirmations are nice, but my children know love through action. They feel it when I kiss their scraped knees, when I wipe up spilled milk, when we play the 16th game of hide and seek in an hour...

...and when I cook spaghetti.

Alex and Mya are building a campsite in the living room, fully equipped with a pretend bathroom and kitchen.

Somehow, I have come out on top. This reinforces the fact that I serve a merciful, just, and beautiful Savior who most definitely desires to heal the pains of our poor decisions and mold our hearts.

For many years I have laid my head on my pillow at the close of the day and reiterated my stresses, my needs, and my worries to the God who will listen. A few weeks ago, I read the words of Jesus in the book of Matthew. He encourages us not to ramble about our needs because God sees our hearts and knows our needs before we speak of them. Instead, he says, pray the Lord's Prayer. Worship the God who sees your heart and seek to know him more and become more like him; take confidence in the fact that he knows your heart and desires to heal it.

Since I have transformed my prayer habits, I have been blessed beyond belief! I find such clear direction in my decision making and feel so consistently solid in my faith. I rest easily since my last thoughts are worshipful and not needful.

So grateful that our Savior has left us instructions on nearly everything. So grateful that he sees my heart and calls me his child. So incredibly grateful to be a child of God, seeing through the eyes of God and raising children who are excited about the promises of Christ.

How am I supposed to fix myself when they are hanging on my ankles every waking moment of the day?

I am struggling.

It's been one year since I picked up my life and started over.

Yay me!!!

you otay?

Alex and Mya are building mansions with legos while I savor every drop of coffee in my cup and every shriek that escapes their lips. They're beautiful children...I have done some things right in my life :)

I slept on the top bunk in their room the other night, just to hear them breathe...Alex coughed a little in his sleep and Mya sat straight up in bed, in a sleepy fog, and said, "Chayjay, you otay?" He said, "Yes, Mya. I'm okay," and my beautiful babies laid back down and fell back asleep.

We spent Christmas alone - huge blizzard prevented our plans - but all is right in the world. My children love Jesus, love each other, and love life.

oh, remorse.

Today I am mourning.

What have I done?