paying the price.

I know with everything in me that I need to give it to God right now and trust him to take over. So easy to say, so simple to grasp, but so difficult to do. My human nature, my inability to trust concrete things in the hands of the unseen, prevents me from giving it to him. To Him, who can make it right. Who can comfort me, and hold me like a child, let my tears flow and calm me in this storm.

So I struggle alone, afraid to ask him what he wants from me because I know. I know exactly what he wants from me but I am terrified. I want to take this matter into my own hands where it will turn out exactly like I think it needs to, only to find out later that I was wrong, and that how God wants it is how it should have been all along. That I could have survived. That I could have handled it and come out on top.

This is the first time in my life that I have prayed about a situation, received an answer, and chosen to make my own choices despite his loving guidance. How will I pay for this? When will I learn? And at what price?

and so it is.

I am going to drive this man away with my inability to love myself.