Saturday, October 23, 2010

I have a love hate relationship with weekends. I desperately need them in order to survive, but about six hours in I'm praying for Monday.

We still have a full day left - which will involve church, which is quite a struggle with toddlers and no nursery - and already they have spilled water, spilled knefla soup, beat the living daylights out of each other, threatened to "blow a gasket all up in here," eaten too many muffins, and ruptured my ear drums exactly sixteen times. Mya has taken her panties off more times than I can count and Alex has a thumb-sucking sore on his mouth. I can just about recite the entire script of Charlotte's web and Oh, The Places You'll Go.

Alex would like to know when he can have three more brothers and Mya would like some sisters. Alex wants a $159 train set for Christmas, but does not want to have less toys than everybody else and does not want me to work ever, much less overtime, to pay for it. Mya wants every toy at Toys R Us and can't even rule out one to make the Christmas list a little easier to fulfill. Both are intrigued and frightened by the mouse on the porch that has yet to make an appearance.

On a positive note, I did get Mya to snuggle me for twenty minutes this morning, although she rejected the swaddle. Alex cleaned his room to surprise me, and drew me a picture of his numbers one through eight and a happy face who was very proud of his number-writing skills. Mya thanked me for the oatmeal this morning (which I told her was apple cinnamon when it was actually peach, to avoid a fight) and Alex brushed my hair for four minutes and twelve seconds. I managed to make knefla for lunch without a cold trip to the grocery store and snuck in a shower without numerous interruptions or a house fire when I emerged. Also found a bottle of Hog Wash in the fridge - can't determine its origin - which the kids passed up for milk. I also didn't get out of bed until 630 this morning :)

Off to do 4.9 loads of laundry, 33 dishes, and 1000 square feet of floor scrubbing.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Apparently with three years of living comes a fair amount of independence. Mya is feisty and fiercely independent this week, escaping snuggles and tickles like they could result in serious bodily harm. She fist pumps, break dances, and is - as I speak - bent over with her arms around Alex's knees to see if she can carry him. She can't.

She was stung in the eye by a wasp this afternoon. I felt sad for her and wished I could take her pain, but was grateful for such a wonderful opportunity to see Alex's heart. He comforted her the best he could, and when he was unable, he sobbed for her. "Mya, will that squirrel make you better? Would you like to watch a train pass, Mya? Would that help? Do you need a special scoop of ice cream?"

They are good kids with beautiful hearts :) We are so blessed!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

We had our first session of women's Bible study at church tonight. Childcare was provided (and so appreciated!) along with coffee and deliciousness.

We discussed idols. Do you worship God but serve other idols? Do you identify first and foremost as a child of God or as something else, i.e. mother, employee, hippie, activist, citizen, or wife? To whom do you give your valuable resources like time, focus, money, and heart?

I try to hold myself accountable to God's expectations for worship, and I notice that I tend to struggle with the identifying portion of it. I often feel defined by motherhood specifically and feel that I serve that idol before God frequently. It is demanding and urgent, it seems, and it's easy to lose focus of my own heart and desire for truth and growth in the spirit, and instead focus on the macaroni boiling or the milk on the floor or the check for school pictures or the halloween costumes I ordered three days too late.

Tonight I pray that God helps me stay focused in both my worship and my service. I fully trust that if I focus my heart on him and pursue him steadfastly, he will change the monster responsibilities into mere details of daily living.

And kitchen smells like tuna. Off to clean.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

ridiculously incredible...because it's an awesome thing to say.

I found a man who places greater value on the beauty within than the beauty without.

This is so incredibly different from everything I have ever known and is challenging me in a new and amazing way. Instead of practicing my makeup techniques, doing a little extra yoga, and replacing my thrifty wardrobe, I must seek Christ and his power and willingness to restore and make whole and beautiful. In order to please this amazing man of God, I must know God, must seek his heart, obey his commands for my life, and love myself through his eyes. In order to accept his love I must trust that I am a child of God, valuable and pleasing.

How can I doubt that this is God's desire when it requires such intimacy with the Holy Spirit in order to move forward and so wonderfully glorifies God throughout the process?

Amazing how God's gifts to us ultimately bring the glory back to him. I am ever grateful for this beautiful mess (God being beautiful and me being the mess!) that is my life.
I had a bad day. It started out bad, continued badly through the middle, and almost ended badly. My poor lovely babies must deal with my imperfections, my human failings, and my selfishly indulgent moments that tend to bring more heartache than satisfaction.

Luckily, my children offer redemption for a price. I bought forgiveness for my impatience with six stories, three poems, four tickles, and two home made peanut butter cookies with cold milk.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

on obedience.

Do you not know that the unrighteous and the wrongdoers will not inherit or have any share in the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the impure and immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor those who participate in homosexuality, nor cheats, no greedy graspers, nor drunkards, nor foulmouthed revilers and slanderers, nor extortioners and robbers will inherit or have any share of the kingdom of God. - 1 Corinthians 6:9

This sermon is long but worthy of a frequent listen :)

We do not have assurance, we do not have the Holy Spirit or Christ within us if we live confidently based on our one-time conversion or our years of faithfulness or a word-for-word prayer we recited. In order to be assured that we KNOW our Savior and are guaranteed a place in his eternal presence, we must honor his commandments through CONSISTENT OBEDIENCE.

Do not be fooled, brothers and sisters...if we keep his commandments, we know that we know him.

I am learning :)

Saturday, October 9, 2010

The most profound thought in my mind tonight is that a massage would be nearly earth-shatteringly amazing right now.

This body was not designed for physical labor. Any day now, my degree may feel free to go to work for me :)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Could it be that God genuinely wants me to heal from the pain of my sin?

It is so incredibly difficult to grasp this concept, that perhaps the God I call Father operates differently from everything I have ever known. My parents taught me that I must suffer the consequences of my actions and that the damage and pain caused by some mistakes can never be undone. I teach my own children that there are consequences for their actions and attempt to be consistent in order to ensure that there are, in fact, consequences for their actions. Could it be that we must often pay the worldly consequences but can - if we choose - have complete healing and pardon through Christ? Be free from the pain and suffering that we know is deserved and earned?

I am realizing more each day the level of awesomeness I am dealing with here.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

"God always causes me to triumph in Jesus Christ." 2 Corinthians 2:14

Precious Father,

Today I worship you. You deliver beyond my wildest expectations. As is promised, you always cause me to triumph in Jesus Christ...despite my disobedience, my self-inflicted pain and consequence, my reluctance to choose whatever is right, pure, noble, lovely, over whatever is temporary and ultimately painful.

As I raise these beautiful babies in your name, I choose to live a life of consistent obedience - in order to teach by example, to heal, to build a beautiful future, and above all, to bring you the GLORY. You are so worthy of my praise and obedience, and I am so undeserving of your love and grace and forgiveness and mercy.

Your ever grateful child.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

I know not what tomorrow holds; what struggles lie ahead of us. I know not how my children's hearts have been affected by the losses they have suffered. I'm still not sure how God plans to use our incredible story of redemption and grace.

But I know that the God I call Father has brought glory out of a very dark place, has redeemed my soul and rebuilt my spirit. Has given us a glimpse of hope during every dark moment...a moment of wisdom in every fear-filled moment.

I am so incredibly undeserving of his love and healing, and wholly willing to accept it regardless. What joy it is to be a child of God.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Five years ago, I never would have imagined I would have the life I have today. I have a house full of happy hearts, full tummies, giggles, a little insanity...

I can only imagine and look forward to what God has in store for me next. Can't wait to discover it one day at a time!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Nothing says home like spaghetti.

I had to work this morning, but this afternoon was spent with two loved and beautiful children. They brushed my hair, colored larger than life pictures of superman, collected rocks, and waded in the pool. They told me stories and erupted with giggles; asked questions; requested snuggles.

Words of affirmations are nice, but my children know love through action. They feel it when I kiss their scraped knees, when I wipe up spilled milk, when we play the 16th game of hide and seek in an hour...

...and when I cook spaghetti.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Alex and Mya are building a campsite in the living room, fully equipped with a pretend bathroom and kitchen.

Somehow, I have come out on top. This reinforces the fact that I serve a merciful, just, and beautiful Savior who most definitely desires to heal the pains of our poor decisions and mold our hearts.

For many years I have laid my head on my pillow at the close of the day and reiterated my stresses, my needs, and my worries to the God who will listen. A few weeks ago, I read the words of Jesus in the book of Matthew. He encourages us not to ramble about our needs because God sees our hearts and knows our needs before we speak of them. Instead, he says, pray the Lord's Prayer. Worship the God who sees your heart and seek to know him more and become more like him; take confidence in the fact that he knows your heart and desires to heal it.

Since I have transformed my prayer habits, I have been blessed beyond belief! I find such clear direction in my decision making and feel so consistently solid in my faith. I rest easily since my last thoughts are worshipful and not needful.

So grateful that our Savior has left us instructions on nearly everything. So grateful that he sees my heart and calls me his child. So incredibly grateful to be a child of God, seeing through the eyes of God and raising children who are excited about the promises of Christ.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

How am I supposed to fix myself when they are hanging on my ankles every waking moment of the day?

I am struggling.

Friday, January 1, 2010

It's been one year since I picked up my life and started over.

Yay me!!!