Thursday, April 30, 2009

doing something right.

Tonight, I put the kids to bed. Not long after, I heard the pitter-patter of footprints and a few giggles and shrieks. I gave them a few minutes to get it out of their systems, and it was silent.

Too silent. So I tiptoed upstairs to see what was going on. Alex was INSIDE Mya's crib, and they had her pillow* propped against the back of the crib. They were leaning against it like a little couch, with their legs straight out in front of them. Alex had one arm around Mya and was sucking his other thumb. Mya had an arm around Alex and was holding her blankie. And they were just looking at each other.

Yesterday, Mya was being very aggressive again, which isn't abnormal for her. I scolded her briefly but with a very firm voice. A look of shock and anger came about Alex's face, and he said very firmly, "Mommy, that is my BABY you are talking to." Another time within the same hour, I had to firmly correct Mya for hitting. Alex looked at me and said tenderly and pleadingly, "Oh, Mama, she's only a baby."

It is during these moments that I feel confident in my parenting. I am so, so proud of where we are...I'm even proud of our story. Proud that regardless of our circumstances, my kids are doin' alright.

Yay!! for not screwing up my children during my mess.

*(yes, I'm aware that that isn't safe for babies to have pillows, but she's a toddler and has some breathing issues that are best if she is somewhat upright)

Monday, April 27, 2009

finding peace.

Alex is happy again, or at least at peace. My heart is dancing. It is so strange to be in this place...I may be underestimating these people, but they look at me as if I'm speaking a foreign language when I shed tears for my children. I imagine all mothers desperately love their children and hopelessly strive for their happiness, but these people undeniably think I'm a nutcase.

I just love him, ya know? Beyond love.

I desperately want more babies some day and dream of it daily, but this is my fear: I am so terrified that my children will be separated from future siblings. That my future life partner will have a different connection with children of his flesh and blood than he does with my children, and that my children will be aware of that difference. I'm even scared that I could somehow love children resulting from a mutually satisfying relationship more than I love my own babies.

Perhaps I am being selfish or negatively overprotective, but there is nothing. There is nothing more important in my entire life than those two babies who rely on me. I am nuts about them...I am so terrified of messing it up, you know?

This is officially the most random rambling post I have written. My main points are that in learning to give up control and trust God, I am finding a deep peace in my circumstances.

Here's hoping this moves somebody like it has moved me. I listen to this daily! This man has a faith we should all seek after; he is so worshipful and his freestyle praise moves me so deeply. Freestyle As the Deer

Saturday, April 18, 2009

the things he does.

I like to keep track of the things Alex says and does because it's so easy to forget! Our highlights from this week:

Mya nibbled on the edge of a piece of his Easter chocolate (yay! me for allowing chocolate! goodbye uptight Rynae, hello I-allow-chocolate-at-Easter Rynae!) so there were little teeth grooves with a space between them. AJ shrieked with delight and screamed, "Daddy, Mommy! LOOK! The Easter Bunny ate my candy!!!"

We were leaving daycare the other day when a lady pulled up in an SUV. Alex asked who it was and I said, "Just a lady." She got out of her car and came toward us (heading for the daycare) and AJ pointed and yelled, "Silly mama! He's not a lady! He's a man!"

Alex and Mya were bathing together two weeks ago and he showed his first interest in the fact that her "private parts" were different than his. He looked at her from the back, looked at her from the front, and with a puzzled look asked "Mommy, does Mya have two butts?!"

Out of the mouths of babes...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

daily we pray for the eyes of jesus.

When I look around, I see people just struggling to make it in this life. We make the best choices we can in the circumstances we are in and at the end of the day we all have to face those decisions. Dealing with the judgment and hatred and bitterness of others just makes the struggle that much more difficult. Each of us is just in constant search of a hand and an understanding heart.

I hope that I am never as quick to judge and as slow to look inward as those I unwillingly surround myself with. I hope I never find joy in the struggles, pain, and failures of my neighbors. I hope I don't judge a soul by the shell it resides in. And I hope I never feel the need to define human beings with labels.

When did society put respect and kindness towards animals and the environment before respect and kindness toward each other?

That's all.

Monday, April 13, 2009

called as a child, lost as an adult.

I believe that faith is individual and personal. I am struggling to find the point at which my spirit collides with the holy spirit.

I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I have been called to know him personally since I was a young child, and have felt led to salvation most of my life. When I stray, he is always pulling me back and taking me in. There are so many moments in my life that I can't question the work of God's hand. I am so, so blessed...

I have always believed in Bible-based faith paired with guidance from the holy spirit. However, in this day and age, I have such a difficult time grasping the message behind the literal words of the Bible. An excellent example is homosexuality; I refuse to believe that God wants us to actively prevent homosexuals from marrying. Taking time out of my day to prevent another person's happiness--when it does no harm to me or my family--is hateful and intolerant...I believe that God knows their souls and it his place and only his place to pass the final judgment. I believe that we are all where we are because we are molded by our environment and our experiences...And I refuse to hate people who are hurting.

Christians call it tough love but those who don't believe FEEL hate through our actions. I often wonder where my place is. I just mind my own business, really...But am I fulfilling the life that God has planned for me when I sit in the back pew and look inward?

I teach my children about Jesus Christ but I pray they don't meet the real Christians until they're old enough to understand...

Does that make sense to anyone but me?

Saturday, April 4, 2009

christ, who strengthens me.

Mya is babbling and toddling around the house, thrilling herself with simple pleasures. Alex is playing rock band with a measuring-cup drumstick and a Metallica version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. I notice both of them peek at me from time to time for a giggle or a smile or an "I'm gonna get you!" followed by a tickle-monster attack.

I am so blessed. One trip to the grocery store reminds me that not all mothers are blessed with the material and emotional means to love their babies up and nurture them in the way their hearts desire. I thank God daily for guiding me and blessing me and making our family work.

My job pays on the first of every month. When the check came this month, it was very short because of several storm days and a day in the hospital with Mya. I was sick to my stomach for the entire week leading up to payday. Looking ahead in the schedule, I became even more concerned when I saw that there were vacations scheduled for at least the next three months. I thought I would have to leave because I couldn't afford to feed these babies on that income.

Finally, the night before last, I asked God to take the burden from me and make it his. I have a complex -- I always need to resolve things on my own. But at that point, I knew I had worked hard, hadn't spent an unnecessary dime, and had applied for a second job. I could do nothing more. So I gave it to him and asked him to take over.

The next morning I showed up for work, and the dentist handed me a check. He apologized for the inconsistent schedule and the small paycheck, offered me a $1 raise (bringing me to far more than any unqualified person deserves for a position like this), and guaranteed me a minimum monthly income from here on out. After he left, I opened the check praying it was for at least $150.00. It was for almost $700.

So today, here's to Jesus. And to letting him do what he wants to do for us. Giving up control is never easy, but who am I to think I was the one in control in the first place? I credit him for my ability to love these children in spite of the pain. For the ability to feed them according to my standards in spite of the financial difficulty. For the recognition of the value of these years of their lives. I am blessed.