Saturday, March 21, 2009

i don't know how.

I am comfortable alone.

This is what I think about love. For one, I want no part in it. And I firmly believe that that will not change with time or maturity or healing.

I believe love is dangerous and even somewhat unhealthy. Is this pessimistic of me? From my experience, it always seems like there is a giver and a taker. And the giver loves too much and the taker loves too little. The taker becomes a parasite and the giver becomes a willing host. I realized this one day when my size 32A bra was falling down at work and my best friend asked me when the last time I ate was. I stopped to think and was shocked and ashamed when I realized that I had not had a chance to eat or sleep at all in the past three days. It was then that I realized that I had been taken and walked on and forgotten and disregarded. It was really a quite shameful moment for me.

But it woke me up. And when I started to evaluate things -- like how many meals I had cooked and how rarely anybody ensured that I would get to taste them -- I began to understand how truly unhealthy my love for a parasite of a man had become.

I would like to say that I believe that time heals all wounds but I don't. I don't believe that. And I would like to say that I'm not bitter, but I am. I am bitter and hateful and not interested in forgiving just yet.

I haven't quite determined what God wants me to take from the past six years, but I am confident that today I am where God has instructed me to be. I prayed for guidance and this path was laid out before me, clear as day and free of bumps and forks in the road. Now I need to cast aside my bitterness and hate and let the God who saved me know my soul again...

I just don't know how.

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