Sunday, March 8, 2009

missing consistency

I miss him. Do I really? Or do I miss the consistency and being surrounded by my friends and family and being able to pretend I was happy with him when I wanted to be? Or do I miss being needed?

Tonight is a sobbing night. He ruined me…He took everything that was beautiful in me and he ruined it. He made me feel cheap, worthless, ugly, and ashamed. I loved him more than I have ever loved anybody…I loved him with every inch of my being. I loved him enough to overlook his faults…and there were so many. But I saw his heart, and I wanted to scoop him up and hold him and tell him everything would be okay. I wanted to give him children and love and stability and hope.

And he degraded me. Demeaned me. Insulted my intelligence. Disregarded my feelings and needs. Forgot me. He broke my things and he broke my heart and he broke me.
And now he is the one who is miserable and I pretend that I am happy in my new life. But I am not happy. Nobody has ever been more hateful or disrespectful to me in my entire life than the man I chose to give myself to, and yet his misery breaks my heart. I am not like him…I cannot watch him suffer at my hand.

Today is a hard day. I left everything behind. There is not a friend nearby…There is nobody. Just me and my tears and my regrets and my fears.

1 comment:

Lori Dupre Jackson said...

I want you to know that I've been here...right where this post is. I walked in your shoes...In fact, we could have shared shoes. I just want to remind you that God is faithful. There is light on the other side of this VERY dark tunnel. THERE REALLY IS...but the tunnel is going to be very hard work. Just remember that. :)