grateful.

Again, Christ has stepped in and picked up the pieces and made me whole again.

While I do not believe in eternal security, I do believe that once you have accepted Christ as your Savior he will use the Holy Spirit, which resides within you, to continue to draw you near and show his face. Every time I have strayed, he has gently, patiently, and lovingly pulled me back into his arms, wiped away my tears, and helped me face the consequences of my actions with grace and strength.

I have come out of a bad situation - caused by own disobedience - on top, as always, with God on my side of this battle. And I am grateful.

paying the price.

I know with everything in me that I need to give it to God right now and trust him to take over. So easy to say, so simple to grasp, but so difficult to do. My human nature, my inability to trust concrete things in the hands of the unseen, prevents me from giving it to him. To Him, who can make it right. Who can comfort me, and hold me like a child, let my tears flow and calm me in this storm.

So I struggle alone, afraid to ask him what he wants from me because I know. I know exactly what he wants from me but I am terrified. I want to take this matter into my own hands where it will turn out exactly like I think it needs to, only to find out later that I was wrong, and that how God wants it is how it should have been all along. That I could have survived. That I could have handled it and come out on top.

This is the first time in my life that I have prayed about a situation, received an answer, and chosen to make my own choices despite his loving guidance. How will I pay for this? When will I learn? And at what price?

and so it is.

I am going to drive this man away with my inability to love myself.

maneater.

There are good days and bad days, but the sun shines a little brighter than I ever thought it would.

I sit at the table and have my coffee, check my email, taking in the morning sunlight, while Alex practices somersaults and Mya struggles to get both legs into one leg-hole of AJ's Cookie Monster underwear.

Who am I to question where this life will lead me? Time to sit back and enjoy the ride.

I have a date tomorrow...Feels like number 347 since being single. There is a fair chance I will pick him apart (or tear him up, as I hear I'm known for) like I have picked the rest of them apart, but I will doll up and go eagerly regardless. One day I will get there and I will know he's different...

And until then, I will enjoy every Cream of Wheat-filled, can't-wait-till-bedtime, giggle-over-nothing-and-everything day with my babies.

The babies I love.

At home.

I took the kids to the homecoming game in town last night. I was anxious about being in that social situation and possibly not knowing anybody who was there or not fitting in or not being able to keep the kids calm and collected.

Really, it was a beautiful night and great time for us. We had snow cones, one of which ended up on my pants, leaving a red stain that covered my entire right thigh. My phone went flying down the bleachers, Mya lost her balance once, and both kids had sticky snow cone juice from head to toe. The people around us were endeared - not annoyed - by my children and their imperfections. I was endeared, too :)

When they got too restless, we headed to the grassy area past the endzone, where there must have been 100 small children running wildly. Alex and Mya recognized many of their friends from their old daycare, and I knew most of the parents there in different ways - from the dentist, from swimming lessons, vacation bible school, daycare, or the park.

We felt at home. It was a good feeling.

A step forward.

The kids are asleep, the house is quiet, and I'm wasting another evening trying to determine how to take back the past.

I feel like I have *nearly* allowed this situation to overcome me. I am still making it, paycheck to paycheck, without assistance. I am still loving those babies every moment I have with them. I'm just barely keeping clean dishes in the cupboards and clean clothes in the closets. Slappin' a lil makeup on every morning :) So I'm winning...But it's two steps forward, one step back.

Today is a decent day. A step forward day.