Monday, April 27, 2009

finding peace.

Alex is happy again, or at least at peace. My heart is dancing. It is so strange to be in this place...I may be underestimating these people, but they look at me as if I'm speaking a foreign language when I shed tears for my children. I imagine all mothers desperately love their children and hopelessly strive for their happiness, but these people undeniably think I'm a nutcase.

I just love him, ya know? Beyond love.

I desperately want more babies some day and dream of it daily, but this is my fear: I am so terrified that my children will be separated from future siblings. That my future life partner will have a different connection with children of his flesh and blood than he does with my children, and that my children will be aware of that difference. I'm even scared that I could somehow love children resulting from a mutually satisfying relationship more than I love my own babies.

Perhaps I am being selfish or negatively overprotective, but there is nothing. There is nothing more important in my entire life than those two babies who rely on me. I am nuts about them...I am so terrified of messing it up, you know?

This is officially the most random rambling post I have written. My main points are that in learning to give up control and trust God, I am finding a deep peace in my circumstances.

Here's hoping this moves somebody like it has moved me. I listen to this daily! This man has a faith we should all seek after; he is so worshipful and his freestyle praise moves me so deeply. Freestyle As the Deer

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